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[Oct. 8th, 2007|01:35 am] |
dreams black as the night.
she's gone too high
atmospheric atrophies
her wings
ripped and torn
he's forgotten how to fly now
spiraling further and further away
of monsters and men
they'll never save each other
junkies cant feel love
kids not knowing what they exist
when it's all just a game
i'm so tired of complaining about this pain
it's all over
it's all over
it's all over, over, over, over, over over,
i'm done. all, i need,,,,just pause...
all i need is something positive. my ego is shattered i need you to rebuild me somehow. i'll give it my all, just for this.
let's get married in may, because in june, we'll be fucking dead.
xoxo
living life like a car crash has gotten old it's getting too slow and i'm blacking out. it seems like i can see and feel everything that's happening through a slow motion video projector and yet i dont know or i dont realize how fucking devastating it all is until the damage is already done. broken glass like breaking hearts, gas tanks crumbled and busted as the car slides on it's top and sparks fire. igniting in flames it's like my skins burning from the bone and you're standing there laughing as you spray the fire with gasoline. i cant help but scream but no ones hearing me because the steering wheel crushed my throat. with my last attempt at understanding i'd reach out and apologize for how fucking pathetic i am. when every day is the last day of your life, everyone else just seems to be helping you find the edge. around the corner, just across the road, just another second and there it is, death, waiting, patiently. for me to slip on that neverending starewell. fuck that, i'll lunge head first over the railing, i've been day dreaming or something its so vivid and so surreal. everything and everyone i've ever known is either fake or gone. i'll never be happy again. summer's gone and falls blowing in shorter days and long lonely nights. the mountains a variety of dead colors. i feel at one with the ever changing seasons, the only thing in life i can relate to, the changing seasons. coming and going the only thing constant in them is there changing. where there was once life and a hope for the future, there's void and envy. into the unknown doors. astral realities, i cant comprehend what i cant feel. i've never opened the door and i fear entry. without faith, without courage, without knowledge, how do i go on? dark night of the soul, i've forgotten what compassion meant. my sympathy has worn thin. the air thick and my heart heavy. burdens broken me into pieces and hatred glued me back together. i'm not sure what's keeping me going. there's a memory that keeps replaying. one that reminds me of being "okay", just okay. i dont trust me anymore, i dont know who me is, i dont know what this world is, i'm not sure if i'm in this life or not. maybe my heart has stopped long ago. i'm lost now and lifes just a paradox the person i miss most doesnt know i exist or care that i exist. but i dont know if i am existing. welcome to disney land, this is where i'll prefabricate life and describe every day in detail if you want. i'll feed you happiness and buy you the world. material possessions and melting minds. let's plant this seed out back and pray that it grows. the only thing i can do is give up and take a nother god damn pill. the only thing we really need to know is that there is nothing to KNOW. do you get it now? drive yourself madd with that one, i have, we're just existing. in some fucked dimension that got shit on by the karmic cosmology of some other land, so we're experiencing sort of hitherto everything they've experienced except we get the backwashed misery. we're only 3 dimensional and they're far encompassing anything relating to "being" we cant cope witht he complexities of time, space, love, emotions, or mainly free will. give young adaptive kids, which all humans on earth are, free will, and they will inevitably fuck up. it's as if we do everything ass backwards and it shows throughout our existance, throughout our histories. adam and eve, the perfect fucking story of fuck up. god gave them free will and ever shafted adam for a taste of something better. and that's what the world does, it's so expansive, so broad that we justkeep finding "better" but really we're all the same, so really, we're no better and there is no better companions, we just get a different taste. that's all it is, a different taste. the apple and satan was a different taste, temptation. sin, we indulge, we fantasize over it. we love it. but what's sin? does it exist? fuck no it doesnt, we're just here, there are no morals. we just sometimes cant handle the different tastes because our feeble fucking nerves crack under the stress and euphoric sensations of pain and heart ache. there truly is beauty in this fucking despair whatever, this music is taking me out of my seat and assuring me i'm right. please just lie to me. i enjoy it, lies it's what i've lived with for years. i'm side tracking, it's okay though, just keep writing. some days someone may read this bullshit and change their minds about the world, they may say, man, that motherfucker was obviously way cr azier than i am, so atleast i may have a hope if he kept going. i cant to. when it all gets faster and faster it finally slows down to that one soul crushing come down point. that's what it is man. i'm just bored and nothing i do is appealing, so i'm coming down. i've been high for too long and reality is fucking lame. |
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